21. Loud Typers: They want you to think they’re typing fast but really they’re just loud and ANNOYING.
20. Cubicles: What’s up with three side walls, anyway? We’re not actors in a play. A fourth wall with a door and some glue to sniff would be nice.
19. Memos and Reports: No, we don’t have that TPS report for you and probably never will! Memo to all office personnel: there will be no more office personnel memos.
18. Smokers: As you’re slaving away in front of your computer, they’re filing in and out of the office every ten minutes for a “smoke break.”
17. Birthday Parties: Nobody cares about you or your birthday. But, free cake and seven minutes away from our cubicle – that we’ll sing for!
16. Fantasy Sports Guy: You don’t even have to know the sport. He just wants you to sign your life away for the next eight months as you follow a bunch of hockey players you’ve never heard of.
15. The Young Gun: He thinks he knows everything because he went to some fancy school that ends in University.
14. Weird Smells: Three month old pasta, burnt popcorn, and tuna fish. Yes, nothing promotes a solid work environment like a horrible aroma. But, we can all take solace in listening to Matt from accounting take a sh*t in the one and only bathroom on the floor.
13. People Who Talk About Their Kids: “Oh, you’re not going to believe what my little Adam did this morning. He made himself his very own bowl of cereal and then ate it with a knife because we didn’t have any clean spoons in the house.” Unfortunately, we do believe it and we don’t give a f*ck!
12. Crazy Cat Lady: “Oh, you’re not going to believe what my little Snicker Doodle did this morning. She made herself her very own bowl of cereal and then ate it out of the bowl with hers paws and a knife because I didn’t have any clean spoons in the house.” Unfortunately, we do believe it. We are very creeped out. And we don’t give a f*ck!
11. Cross Cube Phone Conversations: The only thing worse than listening to Let’s Get Personal Girl’s personal life is hearing two morons three feet away from each other go back and forth on the telephone.
10. Workshops: Nothing makes a suicide attempt look more tempting than sitting in a semi-circle listening to some schmuck drone on about fire safety and sexual harassment.
9. The Flirt: She’s 40 and flaunting it. She’d be the first to file a sexual harassment suit even though she tries to rub her tits up against every guy in the office.
8. That IT Geek: He gets paid $100,000 a year to tell you your computer just needs to be shut down and restarted.
7. That Random Intern: He shows up every third Wednesday either high or drunk just to remind you how lame your life really is.
6. The Let’s Get Personal Girl: Listen, for the last time – nobody gives a sh*t about your cycles or your current boyfriend’s erectile dysfunction!
5. The Happy-Go-Lucky Morning Person: This is that asshole who will say, “Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays.” They’re ALWAYS in a good mood. Yet, this same person will more than likely be the first to mow you down with a shotgun if they ever lose their job.
4. Forward Guy: He has more communication with you than your spouse. The master of the chain letter, the page and a half long joke, and the wildly inappropriate video. Hey, send this note to a million people you know and maybe we won’t strangle you.
3. Getting Hassled When Leaving: Whether clocking out for an early weekend or finishing up a fourteen hour day, somebody doesn’t approve of you leaving and they’re going to tell you about. “Oh, is it 11 PM already? Looks like somebody’s knocking off early.”
2. The Boss: You’re more qualified, knowledgeable, and experienced than this buffoon. Yet, you have to do everything he says.
1. The Lingo: Are you a team player? A real go-getter? A micro-manager? What do you say we table the issue, touch base later, and promote synergy by collectively beating ourselves to death with baseball bats?
