Hosting a nightly TV talk show or weekly comedy or variety show? Need fresh jokes on a recurring basis? Topical monologue jokes are written on news, current events, entertainment, and pop culture. Contact us today for pricing and details.
THE PROCESS
1) Customers provide the topics or recent news/entertainment stories they want jokes written on or leave it to our discretion. 2) Depending on the project, we may write a few samples to get your direct feedback. 3) Then, we write the full round of jokes. (The number of pages we write will depend on the initial package you select) Click for client Reviews.
JOKE WRITING TESTIMONIAL
“Jeff is awesome and an absolute pleasure to work with! His ideas are super funny, he sees jokes and punchlines at the most unusual places, perfectly crafted for all your needs. He always responds super quick and keeps all his promises even on a very short notice. I highly recommend Jeff anytime!!!” -Andreas, GERMANY
EXAMPLE MONOLOGUE JOKES
WRONG AIRPORT
An airplane landed at the wrong Missouri airport last week. When asked, the president of the airline said, “Worst part is they weren’t even drunk.”
VALENTINE'S DAY
Valentine’s Day last week… Or as one eyewitness account described it, “just one more day women can hold men accountable for things they don’t understand.”
LEGALIZED MARIJUANA
Marijuana was recently legalized for recreational use in Colorado. 55 people have died overdosing on potato chips and Oreos. Instances of diabetes are going up due to snacking but nobody cares due to pot. Pot has always helped me focus but mostly on how to get more pot. School bake sales are on the decline as no baked goods are making it to the schools. In other news, none of the sports teams will be wearing uniforms this year and no one cares.
SUPER BOWL HALFTIME
Super Bowl LVI, or 56 for non-Roman emperors, is coming up… As is often the case, this year’s halftime will feature a bevy of over-the-hill performers trying to ramp back up and revive their careers. This time it just happens to be rappers and proud AARP members Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, and queen of hip-hop soul Mary J. Blige. It is rumored they’ve already tapped Whitney Houston with a cameo from Sonny Bono for next year’s event. No word yet on whether their coffin and ashes will be on stage with them during the performance.
QUARANTINE
Day 197… This quarantine has been very productive. I’ve been able to add an entire 2nd chin. I don’t know about the coronavirus, but quarantine has definitely not helped slow the spread of my belly… Incidentally, I realized coronavirus wasn’t the reason everyone was backing up 10 feet away from me. It was the fact I hadn’t showered in 12 days. Now when I go outside- I don’t know if I’m sweating because it’s so hot out or because I’m not used to social interaction.
JUSTIN BIEBER
Bieber is under investigation for allegedly hurling raw eggs at his next-door neighbor’s house. “It’s a good thing he didn’t have raw chicken or sausage lying around. I could’ve been pelted with a full plate of paella!” Jeffrey Schwartz shouted. The irate neighbor claimed the incident caused about $20,000 worth of damage and that he saw the Canadian crooner from his second-floor balcony and even videotaped some of the exchange. The camera had been set up days earlier when the neighbor watched 4 hookers enter the estate. “I’m just lucky it was still recording,” Schwartz said. During the investigation, police also reportedly confiscated a phone that contained naked pictures of the pop star. When questioned scrolling through photos, an officer gleamed, “I got Bieber fever – in my pants.”
KIM KARDASHIAN
Earlier this week, Kim Kardashian walked out of her family’s Calabasas estate for good. Effectively, raising the IQ of the household by 40 points.
The great thing about politics today- if you don’t like somebody, just pretend to be registered to the opposite political party and you never have to speak to them again.
BRONX LANDING
A jet plane landed on the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx recently… Once again, confirming the widely accepted notion: If you’re going to be white and drive through the Bronx, it’s best to be in an airplane. The plane landed in the northbound lane near East 233rd Street. The pilot and his two women passengers were taken to St. Barnabas Hospital with minor injuries and an incomplete blowjob.
BULLYING
Bullying in the news again. I was bullied when I was in high school. They were bigger, stronger, meaner, pushed me all around and on the side she did cheerleading. We dated for awhile… I mean, I think I was bullied. I’m not sure because I didn’t feel threatened, just very uncomfortable. It was always stuff like “we’re going to beat you up but first take off your pants.” To this day, whenever I feel uncomfortable the first thing I do is take off my pants. It’s especially bad at job interviews.
