George and the Mile High Club.
by: David zoaka
Have you ever been influenced by someone you don’t know that makes you the worst version of yourself? I was seated next to this morbidly obese guy on Spirit Airlines. Yes, I know Spirit Airlines is awful. I’m not saying I’m poor but if I spend over $100 in a day I receive a call from the bank making sure my card hasn’t been stolen.
The Spirit flight was under $100 so I dodged a bullet from the bank, sitting next to George.
Quite frankly, he would have taken his and my own seat. Okay, apologies- that is the only fat shaming joke I will say. I am quite harsh of fat people because it’s not a medical condition. But, I won’t pick on them, diabetes already picked on them haha. Just let me know when they start having fat pride parades.
Okay, back to story… We got to talking and he was cool. His insides are clearly better than his outsides so we started sharing experiences. I tell him about a time in college I got drunk so bad I lost my pants. He was like “been there.” I was like I can relate to this guy, I shouldn’t have been so judgemental at first.
Anyways, so I tell him about a time I flirted with a hostess only to be turned down at the last minute. He was like I can totally relate “been there.” We seem to have similar stories. He asks for a Coke and I ask for one shortly after. That’s called mirroring when you unintentionally mimic someone when you’re getting along fine with them. In fact, you’re probably getting a Coke right now reading this. But, that’s not mirroring.
Then, we start a food related conversation about how the meals in economy are smaller than in first class, as it should be. And I say, right. Also, the air hostess always gives me shit whenever I order another Coke. There is enough for two flights back there! He totally agrees “been there.”
Shortly after, things take a twist and my tummy begins to rumble…
So bad I can’t take it anymore. This is the worst location to have a diarrhea. I go to the restroom then I hear a knock, which I didn’t want to hear at that time. The air hostess is like, Sir we are landing soon. We need everyone in their seats. I’m like, Ma’am with all due respect something here needs to land soon. Also, give me a minute! She comes back 5 minutes later, Sir you have to leave now for your safety, it’s travel policy.
I have no choice but to leave with a half cleaned ass, I am so uncomfortable. I get back to my seat, silence will be much appreciated now. But, George holds his hand over his nose and silently says “BEEN THERE” welcome to the mile high club. I’m like, sure George there’s no doubt in your life you’ve been in a lot of shit!
P.s the mile high club is not what this article describes.
David Zoaka is an Emmy and Grammy nominated ghostwriter for stand-up comedians currently on Netflix and a regular contributor to thecomedyconsultant.com. Check out his website DavidZoaka.com.