Need to roast someone, a group? Perfect for birthdays, retirement parties, corporate outings, anniversaries, benefits, banquets, even bachelor parties and weddings. We can go no holds barred or keep it light. Contact us today for pricing and more details.
EMAIL: TheComedyConsultant@gmail.com
1) You fill out a questionnaire to provide us the information we need to write the kind of roast jokes you want. 2) We write a few samples. We get a feel for how brutal and/or edgy you want the jokes to be, how clean or dirty, what you think of the overall direction, etc. 3) Based upon that and the material you provide us to start, we write the full round of jokes. 4) At this point, we have you highlight only the jokes you like. 5) We put those jokes in a suggested order for optimal performance at the event. Click for client Reviews.
FAMILY-STYLE ROAST EXAMPLE
MY FAMILY IS TURNING ON ME...My Mom’s family – they’re great people. I love them to death – can you do that? When you first meet my GRANDPOP he comes across as rude, impatient, short-tempered… That’s all.
My GRANDPOP loves giving directions – “Ok, first you’re going to turn left, then at the T you’re going to bear right onto the road.” It’s like, “Grandpop I think I know how to get out of my own driveway!” He’s got the give a crap hearing. If he gives a crap, he hears you. If not, he’s going deaf. He hasn’t heard anything my Grandmom’s said the last 60 years.
Never ask GRANDPOP to take your picture. He’ll set up the lighting, he’ll set the mood, the shadows, he’ll set the set, he’ll even build you a camera and he’ll still forget to take your picture.
Hey GRANDMOM – you just wasted 90,000 on my college tuition! How do you feel? My Grandparents paid our college tuition so my brother and I wouldn’t have to go in debt. At least, that was the plan 10 years ago.
MY COUSINS ARE HERE...We have the prodigal son – he’s a band major and he’s going to school. I don’t know what the big deal is – he doesn’t even play an instrument. All he does is wave his arms. I’ve seen orangutans and chimpanzees do the same thing.
Their daughter is now going to the University of Alabama which automatically makes the whole family huge Alabama football fans – don’t get me wrong they won’t touch foot in that back asswards redneck state – aside from the airport to campus back to the airport – but ROLL TIDE!
My UNCLE PERRY – he has a PHd which is really strange because he’s in a dart league and likes to send bad jokes and porn through my email. I don’t know. I’m thinking UniBomber. Has he written a manifesto? Not that I’m opposed to that, I just want to make sure it’s not coming to me.
MY BROTHER IS HERE...He won’t even pick me up in New York City on his way down from Boston to Pennsylvania. It’s freaking 15 minutes out of his way on a 6 hour trip. He just got engaged after 3 years of dating his fiancée… Congratulations! Or as my Grandmom said, “What took you so long???” But, THANK YOU BRETT! It’s about time you took some of the pressure off me. Grandmom says, “Did you set a date yet? You know, Grandpop didn’t get that new hip for nothing.”
So, now he has a real reason not to pick me up. No matter when he’s going home, it’s always something – one time it was the neighborhood I was in, then the car was “acting” up, he gets more inheritance by showing up first, there was a bomb in Boston – as if that would’ve stopped him years ago! Do you remember who drove you to college, you son of a bitch? Last time he couldn’t pick me up it was something about eczema or psoriasis. If that’s true his fiancée must be contaminated all over. It’s not like I’m going to kiss him or hug him.
NOW, TO THE PARENTS OF THE COMEDIAN:My DAD’S paying me in chicken wings today so that’s cool. You get what you pay for.
Every comedy show you end up spending more than you make – that’s how comedy works. I just need to decide what in this room I’m going to break so I have something to owe debt on. I’m thinking GRANDPOP’S new hip.
There’s a bus that goes from Kutztown, PA direct to New York City. Did you know that? Yeah, apparently my parents didn’t either. They’ve only been up once in 4 years!
MY FAMILY IS TURNING ON ME...My parents came up to NY and didn’t even stop to say hi. They drove right through the Lincoln Tunnel, Times Square… “Hey, that’s where Jeff lives, keep going. Wave.” You wonder what goes through their minds… “Oh well, Jeffrey will be moving back home in a few months. We’ll see him then!” Guess they’re going to see the good son – the one that has a job AND a girlfriend.
MOM’S a dental hygienist. DAD’S an accountant. Which meant not only did I have to brush my teeth 3 times a day when I was growing up, I had to keep a record that my Dad would audit at the end of every year. Probably why I hated the tooth fairy – I had to pay taxes on that.
MOM’S got that Dental Hygienist way about her now – she’s been doing it for so long. She’ll ask a question, won’t wait for an answer, and just keep talking… Mouths are always full of fluoride… Apparently, it’s great for their marriage – Dad hasn’t answered a question in 15 years. Only time she understands him is when he’s got a mouth full of food and mumbles at her.
MOM and DAD miss me and I miss them but when I go back it’s like I never left. 90% of my stuff is still there and the other 10% is sitting by the door with a note “this belongs to our son in NY who we’re not allowed to stop and see cause the car won’t let us. If we stop, he’ll want a ride.”
COMEDY CENTRAL-STYLE ROAST
SAMPLE ROAST BATTLE JOKES...*He worked at College Humor… but not according to any of his friends in college.
*Jackson’s last name is German. Tonight I’m here to give HIM his final solution- stop doing comedy.
*Of course, Iowa’s known for its sweet corn and Jackson’s comedy was once described as appealing as the corn you find in your shit.
*When Terry first moved to LA, he did a lot of background acting. Which was the perfect job for him because he’s been background existing ever since he was born.
*I’m not going to say Terry smokes a lot of weed but he named his dick and balls Cheech and Chong.
*Alice is from Australia. Funny, her boyfriend refers to her vagina as the Great Barrier Reef because he’s not diving down there. And it’s just as dark and murky.
*Jimmy’s Podcast just celebrated their 300th show. That’s the great thing about Podcasts- they don’t get canceled for mediocrity.
*Look at him. Dude looks like Pitbull’s ugly brother. And by Pitbull, I of course mean the dog.
*He wanted to join MS13 but that’s because he thought it was a group of teenagers with multiple sclerosis.
*Sometimes Brad wears a handlebar mustache… And by handlebar mustache- I am referring to bikers putting their ballsack above his lips.
*Looking at his upcoming list of shows is like reading a suicide watch press release.
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WE ALSO WRITE AND PUNCH UP CORPORATE AND BUSINESS SPEECHES. Click to learn more.