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I had to give 5, 10 minute presentations over Zoom to 60+ vendors. I asked Jeff to help me create a pitch that would make me stand out from all the other sales people and he did!… All of the moderators thanked me for delivering such an engaging pitch and I definitely made a memorable impression on all the attendees. Your jokes are not as funny as you think they are. Do yourself a favor and ask Jeff to help. Your guests will thank you:) -Brittany B., Sebring FL
BUSINESS / CORPORATE
CORPORATE JOKES*How do you get 50 sales people in a room? Just offer them something free and promise to kiss their ass.
*It’s great to be here and celebrate the top echelon of sales. Monetarily, speaking of course. We all know there is no such thing as top echelon of sales. Unless we’re talking about boats.
*I do a lot of cold calling. Because my boss is too cheap to pay for heat.
*Janice had what it took to be an executive at this company, a miserable attitude.
*[My boss] has really softened up over the past decade. Now, when he gives severance he’s talking about extra pay, not chopping off a finger.
*[My boss] has had several hip and knee surgeries. Mostly, from kicking things around the office in fits of rage.
***Everything in MAROON below was Punch Up added by our Writers***
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH PUNCH UP
Thank yous… Security sure is tight in this state [Wisconsin]. When I first entered, they pulled me over for DWV… Driving While Vegan. I’m sentenced to community service and three days of cheeseburgers.
You are here today because your ancestors had a healthy fear of using their voice. And not just my ancestors. In fact, the reason my parents are still together is because my Dad had a healthy fear of my Mother and knew when to keep his mouth shut.
Negative self talk:
The average person has 50,000 thoughts per day – and 80% are negative! The other 20% are spent thinking about who the bachelor is going to give a rose to tonight / what happened at the end of The Sopranos? / who shot JFK? / who Carly Simon is talking about in the song You’re So Vain
END-OF-YEAR SPEECH PUNCH UPWe were prepared to give you a straight speech, but we feel this is not the time to put you to sleep.
Firm was Ahlers and Cressman. Now it is Ahlers, Cressman, & Sleight. We had to send the receptionist to a speed speaking course to say the names of the partners with clarity, in a reasonable time, and without laughing.
The Old office was a Funeral home – Ryan, our summer intern, moved boxes of “dead files” in the old mortuary. You could say he was pulling a lot of dead weight in there. / On his tax return URNED income had a whole different meaning.
Brett is a quiet man. I found out just last week he has been with the firm for 12 years. I thought he had been with us 3 years – since the day he coughed and everyone heard it. Up until then I thought he was the property seismologist – as he never spoke and was always listening to everything. / Brett thought a sub contractor meant working under water – he bought a snorkel and some swim fins.
Saki – has two girls, just had a boy Lincoln. Lincoln implies honesty and integrity and we are trying to make money at this firm.
Catherine – she was a receptionist and is now a Paralegal. They have a baby girl Nora – apparently, all paperwork was filled out correctly. We are hoping Nora grows up to marry Lincoln – the firm is trying to grow from within.
I love our blog. It is extremely great for kids – 2 sentences as a bed time story and the kids are out, asleep. Trouble is so are the parents.
TEDx TALK PUNCH UPAnd that is the idea of power in a negotiation. That there is no power. There is only the perception of power, which is inside of you. You are like Bruce Banner – only, in this case when you let out that perception YOUR NEGOTIATION OPPONENT sees the Hulk. And nobody wants to negotiate with the Hulk.
Jim Stockdale was a US soldier during the Vietnam War. And he was captured by the Viet Cong, was put in a cell, and one night something happened… they rattled on his cell. Yes, come in. Oh, shoot. I forgot it was locked. By YOU! / Don’t forget to take off your shoes, I just cleaned the floors. It was war after all.
So, that’s what I’m trying to tell you [in negotiation] that we only see the other guy’s loaded gun. And remember, they are seeing yours too. Just think about baseball if you don’t want it to show. / But, it’s an optical illusion – their loaded gun is just a BB or a little slingshot. It’s not a real gun at all, just a guy with his hand in the shape of a gun. / The bullets are not real bullets – just pellets, pebbles, etc. / David facing Goliath but Goliath is not really Goliath. Goliath is just a schlub named Steve who’s a little taller than you. / The Hulk is just Bruce Banner – a guy in a sport coat and ugly tie. And it’s the same in every negotiation.
Blog Post – 10 Job-Related Jokes
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COMEDY PERFORMANCE
VENTRILOQUIST PUNCH UPJG: I now want to bring out an icon, Arlen Arlington (AA abbreviation below for THE PUPPET), a legend in entertainment and the oldest man in Texas.
AA: Yeah. I’m so old, when I was born the saying was “Everything might be larger in Texas”… They didn’t have the confidence yet. / I’m so old, Tex-Mex was just Mex. / When they used to talk about the Santa Anna winds, it was the General farting. / The border wall was just a guy named Steve and Miguel – one on one side and one on the other.
JG: Now, Arlen, you’ve just joined my show. And you were retired…
AA: Retired… retired in Plano Texas.
JG: Did you know Plano comes from the Spanish word for “flat?”
AA: Like the sound of the audience when Joe tells a joke.
JG: I don’t hear anything.
AA: That’s what I mean.
—
JG: Did you know – Texas is known for being the #1 natural gas producing state?
AA: Yeah, since you got here.
—
JG: And you were married three other times.
AA: And divorced. 4 times.
JG: 4 times?
AA: Yeah, 1 twice. I wanted to make sure she knew.
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