Looking for cutting-edge stand-up comedy material? Whether a novice or veteran comedian, we’ll write stand-up jokes perfectly tailored to your act, style, unique life experience, and sensibility. Contact us today for pricing and details.
THE PROCESS
1) You fill out a questionnaire and/or customers may send an outline of premises, notes, list of subjects they want jokes written on. 2) Then, we write a few samples. 3) Based upon your feedback and the information you provide us to start, we write the full round of jokes. (NOTE: Depending on the initial package, we may place the jokes in order and/or still be involved to review the final routine.) 4) You crush your next show. Click for client Reviews.
EXAMPLE STAND-UP JOKES
SHARED CELL PHONE PLAN
I had this one girlfriend, we were on a shared cell phone plan. The one night we’re arguing and I’m like, ‘I got to go. You’re wasting all my minutes.’ She’s like, “what are you talking about – we have free minutes.” ‘No, I meant the minutes of my life.’ Mick Diflo
TRIPLE THREAT
I met this girl she’s like, “I’m a triple threat. I sing, I dance, I act.” I’m like, ‘that’s great. Can you just bring me a menu?’ Look, now you’re a quadruple threat. You’re amazing. You just raised one threat. You’re at a 4 threat level. Jeff Lutz
HOMELESS COUPLE
I saw a homeless couple making out the other day. I said, ‘Get a box!’ Mick Diflo
GREATEST WEAKNESS
I wish we could have truly honest job interviews. When the employer asks me, “What’s your greatest weakness?” I want to tell them, ‘Dairy products.’ Max Cohen
PERCENTAGES
You got to be percentages now. That’s what’s hip in America. Like 50% Mexican, 7% Tanzanian. I am 50% Jewish, 30% German, and 20% Confused. I have a friend – his Mother is from Iceland, Dad is from Cuba… he’s 100% Ice Cube. Jeff Lutz
AMERICA OVERWEIGHT
The biggest city in America is obesity. I had a fat friend once tell me obesity runs in his family. He had no choice, he was always going to be fat. I said the problem is no-one runs in your family. David Zoaka
NETFLIX
I watch so much Netflix that, rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it started suggesting I go outside. Bob Carroll
CLIFFORD
Do you think that anyone ever went up to Clifford and was like, “I bet that Clifford only got all the books and movie deals because he’s a big red dog.” I mean honestly, can you believe that? It’s like no Clifford didn’t get all of those book and movie deals just because he’s a big red dog, Clifford got all of those book and movie deals because big red dogs control the media. Luke Ipsum
BI-RACIAL COMMERCIALS
Every commercial you see now is a bi-racial family or multi-cultural group of friends because you got to get every single ethnicity on-screen in a 30sec commercial. It’s probably a step closer to equality but can’t you just see a group of black people or white people hang out together anymore? Or is that racist? The fact that my parents are both white- am I supposed to feel uncomfortable about that? What the fuck, Dad? Couldn’t go into the city and date a Filipino? You white devil, you! And I just want to know in these commercials- How do you have an African American woman a white man together and they have an Asian child? How does that work? Was the nanny Asian? I just want to know. Jeff Lutz
COSTA RICA
My wife and I went surfing in Costa Rica. One day our instructor told us, “You know my grandmother is Costa Rican, and my grandfather is from Germany.” I leaned over to my wife and asked, ‘What happened – was Argentina full?’ Max Cohen
THE MANOR
My Grandmother lives in a nursing home. The place is called The Manor. I think it’s called that because most people you meet there you’re like, “Are you a man or…?? (I don’t know what you are.)” Jeff Lutz
MY THERAPIST
I stopped seeing my therapist. Because I told him as a black man in America anytime I see a police officer my heart skips a beat. And he said, ‘awww that means you’re in love with him.’ David Zoaka
DATING ONLINE
So, I’ve been dating online. Have you tried EHarmony, Match? One of my favorites is NoBaggage.com, JustLookingForAQuickie.gov, NoStringsAttached.net. Love how these dating sites work, they put like 10 women on there and you click like 2 or 3 of them and then you just click Add To Cart – and away they go. I met this one woman, a little bit older than me – she was divorced twice, had 2 kids, some health problems. I met her on DamagedGoods.com. Very nice. We dated for awhile. Ron Barba
MARRIED
I got married at 48, starting to think I should’ve waited… We’re laying in bed the other night, my wife says tell me a secret, tell me something nobody else knows. I said, ‘oh, all right. Sometimes I think about killing you.’ Mick Diflo
NEVER HAVE I EVER
I like the game never have I ever. But I feel like when you play everyone is so goddamn timid about it. They’re always like *Enthusiastic tour guide* “Never have I ever been to Saint Louis’ beautiful downtown.” I’m like if someone doesn’t talk about getting fingered on the Amtrak I’m gonna leave this public library. Luke Ipsum
SUICIDE
When I was a teen I contemplated suicide. But, I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I mean, I was too fat to hang myself – I would break the fan. I couldn’t jump – I was afraid of heights. Couldn’t shoot myself – I don’t like loud noises. Looks like being a fat pussy saved my life. David Levin
MEMORY FOAM
Now, they got memory foam- With my dating history… I want the opposite of memory foam, do they sell dementia foam? Yes, can I get a king size Alzheimer’s foam mattress? Preferably, one nobody died in. Jeff Lutz
