Top 10: Things That Happened To Me That I Have No Memory Of

Top 10: Things That Happened To Me That I Have No Memory Of

by: David Levin

I was born February 22, 1990. I was most likely conceived in May 1989. These are some things that happened from that May until I first began forming memories.

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10. For the only time in my life, I was the fastest swimmer.

9. I also was what I had for breakfast. An egg.

8. I went on a work trip to the Dominican Republic with my Mom and Dad. They had fun at the resort while I grew limbs, fingers, and organs. To this day, I tell Dominicans I meet in my douchiest hipster voice that I have been to their country, but that it was unmemorable. 

7. I refused to leave the place I was staying in an orderly fashion, so they had to forcibly remove me.

6. I had a foreskin, but before I could take it for a test drive, a middle-aged to elderly man cut if off.

5. Some nosy bitch in Pittsburgh saw my 14-year-old cousin push me around in a stroller and scolded her for being a teen mom. And I didn’t even speak up.

4. People didn’t judge me for refusing to walk anywhere.

3. I didn’t wish my parents a happy birthday. I didn’t even acknowledge their birthday at all. And I made them wipe my ass.

2. I didn’t know the current date, the current President, or even my own name.

1. I couldn’t cook, clean, or do laundry, but random women all wanted to hold me.

David Levin is a comedian, writer, and regular contributor to the site. For more, check his page out on YouTube.

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