What Else Needs To Be Canceled?
by: Jeff Lutz
Things are being canceled for reasons mostly unclear to anyone at this point. However, in light of Disney+ pulling such vile movies as Peter Pan, Dumbo, Swiss Family Robinson, and The Aristocrats from children profiles, Hasbro changing the name of Mr. Potato Head to just Potato Head (because why not?), 6 Dr. Seuss books being taken out of circulation (No I will not eat green eggs and ham / Can you even believe what a racist I am?), host Chris Harrison of “The Bachelor” fired for not thinking wearing a Southern style dress is an act akin to drowning babies, and numerous other examples- here’s some actual stuff that needs to go…
Leashes For Kids
Hm… seems a lot like abuse in the name of safety. Gee, where have we heard that before? According to a doctor with a name, “There could also be some psychological distress, depending on the child’s age.” No, you think? That means you black hawk down helicopter mom- unleash your 15-year-old teen now.
Shot put
When would this ever come up in real life???
“Go ahead. Throw this heavy ass metal ball as far as you can. Otherwise, you’re not getting into Med School!”
Great sport for caveman times. Maybe not so much now.
The WNBA
In 2021 viewership numbers dropped 12% to a total of -28%. Apparently, this accounts for even players sitting on the bench not watching. Don’t worry, nobody will even notice when it’s gone.
Mosquitoes
Did you know mosquitoes are an important food source for many other animals, including birds, reptiles, bats, and blah, blah, blah… They’re annoying as hell and they should go back there! Not to mention, some of them carry viruses like West Nile and East Nile and South Central Nile and even worse they cause you to light a candle to get rid of them. Inevitably, that Cinderella candle never works and you end up starting a fire in your own backyard that spills into a national forest. I mean; I’ve heard that can happen.
Synchronized anything
Swimming, diving, aerobics, parasailing… Because just why?
Apartment Brokers
You could argue this is the same as mosquitoes. Blood sucking pests that serve no real purpose. Only, they’re much worse because they also hit your wallet with their stings, aka “broker fees.” Translation: the apartment is 2 grand a month but for some reason you’re now paying 4. Yeah, it’s kind of like that. Masters of the “bait and switch” and calling anything “luxury” regardless of whether or not it has a working toilet…
By the way, even the Pre-War apartments in New York City look Post-War. I don’t care what your broker tells you!
Okay, we’re just trying to get ahead of the Cancel Culture curve with these next 2…
Team Name: Cleveland Browns
We all know this will soon somehow be offensive to Indians (in Asia), Pakistanis, and white people with dark tans. Aah, let’s just call them the Cleveland Football Team and get it over with already. Isn’t their play over the last 50+ years offensive enough?!?
The Kool-Aid Man
I’m sure this big red ball of punch promotion will soon be offensive to Indians (Native American type). Portraying all “red faced” people as fat and round- are you kidding me??? In what world is that going to fly these days? Not to mention, of course this dude is offensive to overweight people in general and fat people with red faces and skinny people whose faces turn red when they drink beer. Did you know that’s actually a real condition called alcohol flush reaction? Trust the science. Not cool Kool-Aid Man!
Back to the stuff we need to get rid of for real for real…
Supremacists (of all types)
Asian, Mongolian, Chilean, West African Indian, White supremacists of course… If you’re dressing up like a ghost in the middle of the woods to spread hate- maybe it’s time to examine your life choices. Total supremacists. And total jerks. The Supremes totally cool, though.
Agnostics
The bisexuals of spirituality. What else do you need to see, or not see? Pick a side already.
Spelling Canceled with 2 L’s
While we’re at it- is it Chanuka, Hanukah, or Hanukkah? There’s 16 different ways to spell the festival of lights. As if being Jewish isn’t confusing enough. How about we just have 1 spelling per word? Does that make too much sense!? And is it theater or theatre? Neighbor or Neighbour? Grey or gray???
The Show “Survivor”
Premiering 21 years ago…
Castaways compete against each other in a series of challenges as they are forced to inhabit a perilous island…
Oh, is that island called Earth??? After enduring almost 2 years of a global pandemic and being locked in our homes and made to Lysol groceries + Amazon deliveries, we are all actual survivors. We don’t need a freaking show about it!
Afghanistan
Democrat politicians and military higher-ups look like complete idiots; republicans are taking way too much joy in saying “I told you so.” Let alone, people are dying there for reasons that all could have easily been avoided. It’s a country that continues to harbor terrorism, terrorist groups, and diminish human rights. Unlike the US government- let’s actually get the people out first before we cancel it.
And while we’re at it- ISIS K XYZ can also go!
COVID! (and whatever other bullshit they want to call it)
I’m talking Covid-19, 28, 32, Covid-56 and any other number combinations they want to use. I’m talking all the variants plus variants of variants and variations of variants and variations of variations of variants of variants…
Yeah that’s you Delta, and Tau, and Epsilon!
I’m talking about Zeta Kappa Gamma and any other Sorority houses they name it after. What do you say we go back to beta (and even way earlier!) and be done with this shit already!!
Covid, YOU ARE CANCELED!!!
To those who this article offended… I say, take it easy there WNBA fan. That was kind of the point. Why don’t you go take a cold shower and shadow ban yourself. And when you’re done feel free to add in the comments what else needs to be canceled or cancelled.
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