10 (NEW) Old-timey Joke Jokes
by: David Levin
We worked on a recent project writing for a Men’s Club dinner. The client requested a certain style of old-timey writing. Here are some of the ones that didn’t make it. I write these with a cigar in my mouth…
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10. I’m very self-conscious about my looks. I’ve been avoiding golfing because I always hear someone yell “Four!” whenever I arrive.
9. I recently found out my wife has been telling her friends that I spend a lot of time at drag shows. I was confused, so I asked her where on Earth she got that idea. She said it’s because I always tell her I like to spend my time surrounded by men and fishnets.
8. My friend recently got in trouble with a park ranger. He was arrested for deer hunting in the off-season and for bribing an officer. I don’t know why they tacked the bribery charge on. It was a small amount. Just 20 bucks.
7. I work in lawn care. One of the things lawns need the most is potassium. So for a low price, I will use potassium-rich fertilizer on your grass. And for a lower price, I’ll throw a bunch of bananas on it.
6. Last time I played golf I had to explain to someone, glass is just superheated sand. So I didn’t actually break your window. My golf ball just got stuck in an unexpected sand trap.
5. A friend of mine is one of those stereotypical Philly sports fans. Two seasons ago, he punched a man in the stands, tried to climb up a greased pole, and threw a beer at a rival team’s quarterback. He was voted one of the top ten most polite fans in Philadelphia.
4. My friend isn’t very bright. He came to me and said he thought his wife was cheating on him because she had 5 identical photos of another man in her purse. When I asked for proof, he handed me $500.
3. My wife stinks. I’d say my wife sucks, but if she did I wouldn’t mind so much that she stinks.
2. The other week I was in a poker match with a bunch of plumbers. Yeah ultimately, I won with a successful flush. But, that had nothing to do with the poker match.
1. My wife is mad because she thinks I want a younger woman. All I said was that I love 18 holes.
David Levin is a comedian, writer, and regular contributor to the site. For more, check his page out on YouTube.
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